Beat down

Have you ever just been beaten and drug through the mud ( literally and metaphorically) so much that you just want to give up. Don't know who to talk to anymore because it seems everyone takes things the wrong way or goes off of heresay/ rumors. It feels like a constant battle. I can't be a people pleaser anymore. It's too goddamned exhausting! I seem to just be in this vicious cycle of doing ok then bam! I hit a wall of negativity that knocks me on my butt or the wind out of me. Some say I bring it upon myself. How???? Meh I don't even want to try to defend myself! Cause its pointless. 

Extreme lows of hypo mania

For those of you who do not know, when I have a mania it lasts for about a week. Then I cycle to my depressive state, I have way more lows than highs, well this low has been going on for about a month and a half. Every hour I seem to get lower and lower. I am to the point now that I do not feel safe around myself. I'm afraid of my subconscious state. When I'm awake I have suicidal thoughts but I know I can reason with myself that it isn't an acceptable option. When I'm about to fall asleep or alone the thoughts are worse and more convincing. I don't talk about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking when I'm half asleep. The thoughts seem to take over and any part of my sensibility is gone. That's what I'm afraid of. My physical pain is constant but seems to be worse as the day goes on. Since it gets harder to manage later in the day it also adds to my suicidal thoughts.

The school balance

I feel like I'm either walking on egg shells or barely balancing everything in my life and I feel like I'm about to drop something, maybe everything. I'm enjoying school for the most part, I have 2 teachers who just seem to want to drag me down. I can't count the number of times I've left either class in tears. I'm extremely non-confrontational so asking what the problem is in a straight forward fashion is out of the question. But I'm attempting to grow as a person, and asking straightforward questions is on my list of things to be able to do, with or without fear. Sometimes I struggle even writing this blog in less than a month...I want to believe I'm going to do amazing in my classes and remind myself I'm working toward getting an amazing degree doing what I want and will make me happy. Getting an ultrasound next week on my hands to check for arthritis. I don't know what else it could be...extreme pain swelling and stiffness in my fingers hands arms, elbows and shoulders. Yeah my body just sucks. Well that's all for today.

Holidays

The holidays really suck, they haven't always been crappy, but since my Mom died I've hated  the holidays. I've gotten married, had a son, still hasn't changed my perspective of the Holidays. I really tried this year, for my 3 yr old. Didn't work, still cried on Christmas morning before I woke my boy up to open his stocking. I was so incredibly sad, another Christmas my mom was missing out on.
Depressed all day my holiday was ruined because of my mom's selfish decision to end her life prematurely

Should I try? Or just admit that I probably can't do it?

School that is. I haven't gone to school at the local university since 2008, 4 years...4 long and revealing years. In that time I have, gotten married, had a son and learned a lot about me and what I want out of life. I as always want to make a difference, make my mark in the world. In this past year I have gotten a staph infection which then turned into meningitis. 9 surgeries this year alone. It's been rough. I've decided these jobs where I've been working are going nowhere, I've been completely under paid and unappreciated need to be a thing of the past. I applied for re-admittance at the University, made it in, and declared my major as medical assisting. I am excited and terrified all at once.
The meningitis has affected my memory in a very negative way, for example; I cannot recall simple conversations or things asked of me day to day. It isn't fun and is extremely frustrating. If I can't recall everyday things how am I supposed to go to school and do well? I don't know. I have no clue.

My purpose revelation

I was sitting here tonight and I went in to where my 3 yr old was watching a Rudolph special on ABC Family that I had recorded for him. He has had a not so good day, he is sick, whiny and very frustrating. I don't know maybe it's cause I had been so irritated and short with him but when I went in to check on him, I was overcome with this sense of sincere sorrow and love for the horrible way I've treated him today. I went in and told him how much I love him (to which he said "I love you too Mom" and then gave me a huge hug) which then made start sobbing. Then my sweet little tender heart 3 year old asked me what was wrong. and I said I just love you and that makes me very happy. He still looked concerned but sort of content with my answer, then he said "Mom, I just love you" It made me cry even more. I came out and started talking to my husband, he immediately asked me what was wrong, I said "I just realized my point in life, I need to be Jeremiah's Mom" I almost missed out on seeing him grow up, (not that he's anywhere near grown up) when I  almost let my grief over the loss of my own mom take me away from my son and husband. Tonight I will post a picture of my little family at the end of my post. 

Complications with Hydrocephalus revisions

I feel incredibly down right now. I am angry and sad and feel betrayed. I have hydrocephalus and have had 8 surgeries this year.12 in the past year. In one of the operations they drilled a burr hole in my skull to  get to a piece of old infection-filled catheter.  Since this surgery as time goes on I've been in increasing pain on my left side of my head and in the burr hole. I have more pain everyday. A neurosurgeon I came to meet in the ER at my local hospital suggested placing a titanium plate to cover the burr hole. I thought when he suggested this he meant that this would help with my pain. Turns out it will more than likely increase my pain. So suddenly I have no viable options and am still in screaming pain, especially when I lay on my left side. When I lay on my pillow it spreads to the entire left half of my face. 

So here I sit on my couch feeling hopeless and sad, teary eyed and all.