Holidays

The holidays really suck, they haven't always been crappy, but since my Mom died I've hated  the holidays. I've gotten married, had a son, still hasn't changed my perspective of the Holidays. I really tried this year, for my 3 yr old. Didn't work, still cried on Christmas morning before I woke my boy up to open his stocking. I was so incredibly sad, another Christmas my mom was missing out on.
Depressed all day my holiday was ruined because of my mom's selfish decision to end her life prematurely

Should I try? Or just admit that I probably can't do it?

School that is. I haven't gone to school at the local university since 2008, 4 years...4 long and revealing years. In that time I have, gotten married, had a son and learned a lot about me and what I want out of life. I as always want to make a difference, make my mark in the world. In this past year I have gotten a staph infection which then turned into meningitis. 9 surgeries this year alone. It's been rough. I've decided these jobs where I've been working are going nowhere, I've been completely under paid and unappreciated need to be a thing of the past. I applied for re-admittance at the University, made it in, and declared my major as medical assisting. I am excited and terrified all at once.
The meningitis has affected my memory in a very negative way, for example; I cannot recall simple conversations or things asked of me day to day. It isn't fun and is extremely frustrating. If I can't recall everyday things how am I supposed to go to school and do well? I don't know. I have no clue.

My purpose revelation

I was sitting here tonight and I went in to where my 3 yr old was watching a Rudolph special on ABC Family that I had recorded for him. He has had a not so good day, he is sick, whiny and very frustrating. I don't know maybe it's cause I had been so irritated and short with him but when I went in to check on him, I was overcome with this sense of sincere sorrow and love for the horrible way I've treated him today. I went in and told him how much I love him (to which he said "I love you too Mom" and then gave me a huge hug) which then made start sobbing. Then my sweet little tender heart 3 year old asked me what was wrong. and I said I just love you and that makes me very happy. He still looked concerned but sort of content with my answer, then he said "Mom, I just love you" It made me cry even more. I came out and started talking to my husband, he immediately asked me what was wrong, I said "I just realized my point in life, I need to be Jeremiah's Mom" I almost missed out on seeing him grow up, (not that he's anywhere near grown up) when I  almost let my grief over the loss of my own mom take me away from my son and husband. Tonight I will post a picture of my little family at the end of my post.