Beat down

Have you ever just been beaten and drug through the mud ( literally and metaphorically) so much that you just want to give up. Don't know who to talk to anymore because it seems everyone takes things the wrong way or goes off of heresay/ rumors. It feels like a constant battle. I can't be a people pleaser anymore. It's too goddamned exhausting! I seem to just be in this vicious cycle of doing ok then bam! I hit a wall of negativity that knocks me on my butt or the wind out of me. Some say I bring it upon myself. How???? Meh I don't even want to try to defend myself! Cause its pointless. 

Extreme lows of hypo mania

For those of you who do not know, when I have a mania it lasts for about a week. Then I cycle to my depressive state, I have way more lows than highs, well this low has been going on for about a month and a half. Every hour I seem to get lower and lower. I am to the point now that I do not feel safe around myself. I'm afraid of my subconscious state. When I'm awake I have suicidal thoughts but I know I can reason with myself that it isn't an acceptable option. When I'm about to fall asleep or alone the thoughts are worse and more convincing. I don't talk about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking when I'm half asleep. The thoughts seem to take over and any part of my sensibility is gone. That's what I'm afraid of. My physical pain is constant but seems to be worse as the day goes on. Since it gets harder to manage later in the day it also adds to my suicidal thoughts.

The school balance

I feel like I'm either walking on egg shells or barely balancing everything in my life and I feel like I'm about to drop something, maybe everything. I'm enjoying school for the most part, I have 2 teachers who just seem to want to drag me down. I can't count the number of times I've left either class in tears. I'm extremely non-confrontational so asking what the problem is in a straight forward fashion is out of the question. But I'm attempting to grow as a person, and asking straightforward questions is on my list of things to be able to do, with or without fear. Sometimes I struggle even writing this blog in less than a month...I want to believe I'm going to do amazing in my classes and remind myself I'm working toward getting an amazing degree doing what I want and will make me happy. Getting an ultrasound next week on my hands to check for arthritis. I don't know what else it could be...extreme pain swelling and stiffness in my fingers hands arms, elbows and shoulders. Yeah my body just sucks. Well that's all for today.