Holidays

The holidays really suck, they haven't always been crappy, but since my Mom died I've hated  the holidays. I've gotten married, had a son, still hasn't changed my perspective of the Holidays. I really tried this year, for my 3 yr old. Didn't work, still cried on Christmas morning before I woke my boy up to open his stocking. I was so incredibly sad, another Christmas my mom was missing out on.
Depressed all day my holiday was ruined because of my mom's selfish decision to end her life prematurely

Should I try? Or just admit that I probably can't do it?

School that is. I haven't gone to school at the local university since 2008, 4 years...4 long and revealing years. In that time I have, gotten married, had a son and learned a lot about me and what I want out of life. I as always want to make a difference, make my mark in the world. In this past year I have gotten a staph infection which then turned into meningitis. 9 surgeries this year alone. It's been rough. I've decided these jobs where I've been working are going nowhere, I've been completely under paid and unappreciated need to be a thing of the past. I applied for re-admittance at the University, made it in, and declared my major as medical assisting. I am excited and terrified all at once.
The meningitis has affected my memory in a very negative way, for example; I cannot recall simple conversations or things asked of me day to day. It isn't fun and is extremely frustrating. If I can't recall everyday things how am I supposed to go to school and do well? I don't know. I have no clue.

My purpose revelation

I was sitting here tonight and I went in to where my 3 yr old was watching a Rudolph special on ABC Family that I had recorded for him. He has had a not so good day, he is sick, whiny and very frustrating. I don't know maybe it's cause I had been so irritated and short with him but when I went in to check on him, I was overcome with this sense of sincere sorrow and love for the horrible way I've treated him today. I went in and told him how much I love him (to which he said "I love you too Mom" and then gave me a huge hug) which then made start sobbing. Then my sweet little tender heart 3 year old asked me what was wrong. and I said I just love you and that makes me very happy. He still looked concerned but sort of content with my answer, then he said "Mom, I just love you" It made me cry even more. I came out and started talking to my husband, he immediately asked me what was wrong, I said "I just realized my point in life, I need to be Jeremiah's Mom" I almost missed out on seeing him grow up, (not that he's anywhere near grown up) when I  almost let my grief over the loss of my own mom take me away from my son and husband. Tonight I will post a picture of my little family at the end of my post. 

Complications with Hydrocephalus revisions

I feel incredibly down right now. I am angry and sad and feel betrayed. I have hydrocephalus and have had 8 surgeries this year.12 in the past year. In one of the operations they drilled a burr hole in my skull to  get to a piece of old infection-filled catheter.  Since this surgery as time goes on I've been in increasing pain on my left side of my head and in the burr hole. I have more pain everyday. A neurosurgeon I came to meet in the ER at my local hospital suggested placing a titanium plate to cover the burr hole. I thought when he suggested this he meant that this would help with my pain. Turns out it will more than likely increase my pain. So suddenly I have no viable options and am still in screaming pain, especially when I lay on my left side. When I lay on my pillow it spreads to the entire left half of my face. 

So here I sit on my couch feeling hopeless and sad, teary eyed and all. 

On Loss

First off I didn't understand this whole blog stuff when I made this so sorry for the title, that was only supposed to be one post for a scholarship. Not the title to my whole blog. Loss is something you cannot explain even if you've experienced it. I've withstood so much pain, and felt so incredibly low with loss. I think that's the only way to explain it, just how you felt with the experience. I don't think it can be defined. Every one's view is different and cannot be compared to others. Attempting to compare one loss to another is offensive and rude in my opinion. A couple of years ago I was attending a grief group and a member of the group told me that she has had a harder time because she's experienced more deaths. It cannot be compared by the number of deaths experienced or the closeness of the relationship with the person. Not sure why I'm writing about this, probably because I ran into that woman today. She acted like she didn't remember how she knew me but, damn how could she forget. I walked out of that group after letting her know how shitty of a person she was for attempting to tell me that because I had only lost one person, she had more loss and it was more painful...Complete and utter FAIL!

End of rant.